50 years will do that to ya

On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband and said, "Honey, do your remember this?" He looked up from his newspaper and said, "Yes dear, I do You wore that same negligee the night we were married.
"She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asked. He was not much in the mood for this, but he sighed and responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh, baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'"
She giggled and said, "Yes, dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?" He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission accomplished."

OLDER THAN DIRT

A friend at work sent this today:Lightning Bugs / Older 'n Dirt!!"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?" "We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow." "C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?""It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it." By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it: Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died. My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger. I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had. We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine." I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line. Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day. Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them. If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing. Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?MEMORIES from a friend:My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old. How many do you remember?Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.Ignition switches on the dashboard.Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall. Real ice boxes.Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards. Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6 Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16 Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still youngIf you remembered 6-10 = You are getting olderIf you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt! I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.Don't forget to pass this along!!

SOME FUNNY STUFF

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.


Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.


How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"


I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."


Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!


Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

DOGS AND POPEYE

 

A DIFFERENT SORTA BLONDE JOKE

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!"
The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The third, a blonde male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when I think about it", he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece."
"I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis!"

ARABS AND ISRAELIS

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it.
When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it.
The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

IT'S TOUGH GETTIN' OLD

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour, 'cause my pee barely trickles out." "Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible". The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."

BUMPER STICKERS . . . to ponder

Subject: FW: Bumper Stickers
These bumper stickers were compiled by Jerry Paul, a former Methodist
minister in Lakeside, Ohio, who writes: The following actual bumper
stickers are now on cars. I didn't write any of them. I'm only the
messenger. If they make you laugh, good. If they make you cry, good. If
they make you angry, that's good too. If you don't want to read them,
hit the delete button.

BLIND FAITH IN BAD LEADERSHIP IS NOT PATRIOTISM

IF YOU'RE NOT OUTRAGED, YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION

IF YOU SUPPORTED BUSH, A YELLOW RIBBON WON'T MAKE UP FOR IT

POVERTY, HEALTH CARE, & HOMELESSNESS ARE MORAL ISSUES

OF COURSE IT HURTS. YOU'RE GETTING SCREWED BY AN ELEPHANT

BUSH LIED, AND YOU KNOW IT

RELIGIOUS FUNDAMENTALISM: A THREAT ABROAD, A THREAT AT HOME

GOD BLESS EVERYONE (No exceptions)

BUSH SPENT YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY ON HIS WAR

PROAMERICA, ANTI BUSH

WHO WOULD JESUS BOMB?

IF YOU SUPPORT BUSH'S WAR, WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? SHUT UP AND SHIP OUT

FEEL SAFER NOW?

I'D RATHER HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO SCREWED HIS INTERN THAN ONE WHO SCREWED
HIS COUNTRY

JESUS WAS A SOCIAL ACTIVIST -- THAT IS A LIBERAL

MY VALUES? FREE SPEECH. EQUALITY. LIBERTY. EDUCATION. TOLERANCE

IS IT 2008 YET?

DISSENT IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF PATRIOTISM -- Thomas Jefferson

DON'T BLAME ME. I VOTED AGAINST BUSH -- TWICE!

ANNOY A CONSERVATIVE: THINK FOR YOURSELF

VISUALIZE IMPEACHMENT

HEY BUSH! WHERE'S BIN LADEN?

CORPORATE MEDIA = MASS MIND CONTROL

STOP MAD COWBOY DISEASE

GEORGE W. BUSH: MAKING TERRORISTS FASTER THAN HE CAN KILL THEM

KEEP YOUR THEOCRACY OFF MY DEMOCRACY

DEMOCRATS ARE SEXY. WHOEVER HEARD OF A GOOD PIECE OF ELEPHANT?

ASPIRING CANADIAN

CORPORATE MEDIA: WEAPONS OF MASS DECEPTION

DON'T CONFUSE DYING FOR OIL WITH FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM

STEM CELL RESEARCH IS PRO LIFE

HATE, GREED, IGNORANCE: WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION

HONOR OUR TROOPS: DEMAND THE TRUTH

REBUILD IRAQ? WHY NOT SPEND 87 BILLION ON AMERICA?

FACT: BUSH OIL
1999 - $19 BARREL
2006 - $70 BARREL

THE LAST TIME RELIGION CONTROLLED POLITICS, PEOPLE GOT BURNED AT THE
STAKE

I'LL GIVE UP MY CHOICE WHEN JOHN ROBERTS GETS PREGNANT

HOW ON EARTH CAN 59,411,287 PEOPLE BE SO DUMB?

NIXON IS NO LONGER OUR WORST PRESIDENT

KEEP THIS GOING SO EVERYONE CAN READ THIS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STEVER IRWIN -- 1962--2006

 

HAPPY LABOR DAY

Labor Day - Why I Wish I Were French By Tom Purcell

It's Labor Day weekend, and that got me to thinking: I wish I were French.
The French are a wonderful people. Their food is excellent. Their cities are filled with remarkable architecture and an abundance of culture. And, boy, do they have the free time to enjoy it all.
Back in 2000, French politicians, trying to bring the high unemployment rate down, decided to try something bold. Did they cut taxes to spur the economy the way Americans would? Nope. Did they reduce regulations that make it virtually impossible for employers to fire bad workers? Of course not.
They wrote a new law that requires everybody to work less - no more than 35 hours a week, and certainly no overtime. The strategy didn't work of course - it has since unraveled and the government is still working it out - but one thing is clear: The French sure know how to enjoy the good life.
According to CBS News, the French government also mandates that employees receive at least five weeks of paid vacation. On top of that employees enjoy 22 paid holidays. During July and August, as a result, much of the country shuts down.
People kick back and relax. They travel to exotic places. They enjoy lots of stress-free days without a care in the world ­ while we Americans are chained to our desks.
There are no laws in America that make vacation time mandatory. The average American enjoys only a few weeks of paid vacation. And when we go away for a break ­ IF we go away ­ too many of us keep on working anyway. We check e-mail, participate in phone meetings, and keep on top of projects.
That's why I'd like to be French just for a little while.
Sure, I know that the socialist ways of the grand old country are completely unsustainable. Their unemployment rate stands at just under 10 percent. And every time the government tries to take a holiday away or make it easier for an employer to fire a bad employee, a million people riot in the streets.
I know that in a global economy, as trade barriers come down and competition with emerging nations grows fierce, that only the strong will survive. Life and the world have always been competitive. Pretending that competition doesn't exist is no longer an option.
I know, too, that the American economy is booming because our government interferes with employers less and because Americans are willing to work so hard. There are lots of opportunities for any American who is willing to go after them.
In my own case, I've been able to contract my skills to large, profitable companies for a decent rate. I can work long hours when I want to bring in cash or, as I've been doing for a while now, I can cut back to part time, so I can devote more time to personal goals, such as completing a book. I'm as successful as I want to be and if I fail I have nobody to blame but myself.
That's why, just for a while, I wish I were French.
I'd spend July and August basking in the waters of some exotic location, maybe the French Riviera. I'd while away the evenings sipping good wine and swapping stories of vacations past. I'd immerse myself fully in the moment, not giving a care about the next week or month or even the next 20 years.
I'd finally be able to relax fully knowing that if anybody tried to take my vacation away ­ if anyone attempted to tinker with any of my government-mandated benefits ­ that a million people would pour into the streets in my defense.
Alas, such are the wistful thoughts that kick around the noggin of a self-employed American now that Labor Day weekend is upon us.

COUPLE OF COOL ANIMAL VIDEOS

http://www.holylemon.com/DivingDog.html

http://www.holylemon.com/HiddenOctopus.html