SPLINTERS IN THE BANISTER OF LIFE

Subject: AS YOU SLIDE DOWN THE BANISTER OF LIFE ....As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2 Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3 The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4 My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5 The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6 I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7 It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8 A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9 My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
13. Definition of a teenager ... God's punishment for enjoying sex.14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

PAY ATTENTION

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine it Is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students . The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them "the second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay Attention."

HAPPY ST. PADDY'S DAY

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"Miraculously, a parking place appeared.Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."



Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"The man said, "I do, Father."The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?""Certainly, Father," was the man's reply."Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now." !



Paddy was in New York.He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"



Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney."Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!""Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"



An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?""Just water," says the priest.The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"



Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.""Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?""When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."



Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and sh! uffled and stumbled his way to bed.In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?""Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

AH! THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE CHICAGO

Subject: welcome to Chicago--

60 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and woolly hats.
Chicago people sunbathe
50 degrees - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. Chicago people plant gardens.
40 degrees - Italian cars won't start.
Chicago people drive with the windows down.
32 degrees - CHICAGO--NO PLACE LIKE IT!
Distilled water freezes. Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.
20 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably. Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold
15 degrees - New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.
0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico.
Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt.
20 below - People in Miami cease to exist.
Chicago people get out their winter coats.
40 below - Hollywood disintegrates.
Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
50 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
60 below -- Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below (Absolute Zero) - ALL atomic motion stops.Chicago people start saying... "Cold 'nuff for ya??"
500 below - Hell freezes over.
The Chicago Cubs win the World Series.You must learn to pronounce the city name... it isShi-ca-go, or Sha-ca-ga... depending on if you liveNorth or South of Roosevelt Rd, respectively.
Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old,throw it out and buy new one. If in Naperville andyour map is one day old, then it is already obsolete.
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere,Chicago has its own version of traffic rules....."Hold on and pray.
"There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Chicago.
We all drive like that.
All directions start with, "I-94" ... which has no beginning and no end.
The morning rush hour is from 5AM to noon.
The evening rush hour is from 3PM to 10PM.
Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended,
cussed out and possibly beat to death or even shot.
When you are the first one on the starting line,count to five when the light turns green beforegoing to avoid crashing with all the drivers runningthe red light in cross-traffic.
Construction on the Northwest Tollway is a way oflife and a permanent form of entertainment. We hadso much fun with that we have added the Elgin O'HareExpressway (which oddly enough doesn't go to Elgin OR O'Hare)
and I-355 to the mix.
All unexplained sights are
explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Cicero!"
If someone actually has their turn signal on, it isprobably a factory defect.
Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.
All old ladies with blue hair in a Mercedes have the right of way. Period.
First Ave, LaGrange Rd, NW Highway, all mysteriously change
names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples).
If asking directions in Cicero you must have knowledge of Spanish.
If in Bridgeport , Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet. If
you stop to ask directions on the West or South side, you better be armed.
A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours,
although many north/south freeways have un-posted minimum speeds of 75.The minimum acceptable speed on the Dan Ryan is 85.Anything less is considered downright sissy.
The wrought iron on windows near Englewood and Austin is not ornamental.
The Congress Expressway, commonly referred to as theEisenhower Expressway is our daily version of NASCAR(though often at speeds that don't exceed 5 mph).
The Dan Ryan is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."
If it's 100 degrees, it's Taste of Chicago.
If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, it's opening day at Sox Park.
If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Western open Golf Classic is in the second round.
If you go to Wrigley Field pay the $25.00 to park in the "Cubs Lot."
Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2,500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets,
etc.
If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard, run him over.Welcome to Chicago... there's no place like it!