CANDYGRAM . . . .

 

WILL YOU STILL NEED ME, WILL YOU STILL FEED ME NOW THAT I'm 64

 

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ONE SMALL GESTURE

We all know or knew someone like this!!
One day, when I was a freshman in high school,I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school.His name was Kyle.It looked like he was carrying all of his books.I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday?He must really be a nerd."I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him.They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt.His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him.He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyesMy heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye.As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. "They really should get lives." He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!"There was a big smile on his face.It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.I helped him pick up his boo ks, and asked him where he lived.As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked h im why I had never seen him before.He said he had gone to private school before now.I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books.He turned out to be a pretty cool kid.
I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends. He said yes.We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.
Monday morning came! , and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again.I stopped him and said, "Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!" He just laughed ! and handed me half the books.Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends.When we were seniors, we began to think about college.Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke.I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem.
He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholarship.Kyle was valedictorian of our class.I teased him all the time about being a nerd.He had to prepare a speech for graduation.I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speakGraduation day, I saw Kyle.He looked great.He was one of those guys that really foun d himself during high school.He filled out and actually looked good in glasses.He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him.Boy, sometimes I was jealous!
Today was one of those days.I could see that he was nervous about his speech.So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!"He loo ked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled." Thanks," he said.As he started his speech, he cleared his thr oat, and began"Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years.Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends...I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them.I am going to tell you a story.
"I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met.He had planned to kill himself over the weekend.He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home.He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile."Thankfully, I was saved.My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable."I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment.I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile.Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.Never underestimate the power of your actions.With one small gesture you can change a person's life.For better or for worse.God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way.Look for God in others.

THE SEVEN KINDS OF SEX

Adult education...The 7 Kinds of sex

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of
sex happens when you first meet someone and you both
have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is
when you have been with your partner for a short time
and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even
in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is
when you have been with your partner for a long time.
Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex
only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is
when you have been with your partner for too long.
When you pass each other in the hallway you both say
"screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which
means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon
and Nun at night.
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you
cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to
court and screws you in front of everyone
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is
called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each
month. But not enough to live on.

WEEDING OUT TERRORISTS

: FW: In the name of Patriotism!


We all know that it is a sin for an Islamic male to see any woman other than his wife naked,
and that he must commit suicide if he does.

So this coming Sunday at 4:00 p.m. Eastern time,
all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked
to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this antiterrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house
to prove they are not terrorists, and to demonstrate that
they think it is okay to see nude women
other than their wife
and to show support for all American women.

And since the Koran also does not approve of alcohol,
a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your antiterrorist sentiment.

The American Government appreciates your efforts
to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America and GOD BLESS AMERICAN WOMEN!


AND REMEMBER, IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON.

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal, the only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan!

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

Her Eminence the High Priestess.

VAGINAL JOKE

WHY THE INTERNET IS LIKE A VAGINA

The more people use it the bigger it gets.

If you play with it too much you can go blind.

You wouldn't believe the things people put in there!

Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really can't interface.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

It has no conscience and no memory.

It provides a way to interact with other people.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

You think you're just playing around, but you can get involved in something that takes 9 months to finish.

The part you see is actually just the front end of a very complicated system.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

Some folks have it, some don't.

Those who have it think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it spend all their time trying to access it.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration but others believe it should be open to all comers.

A BLOND JOKE

A blonde was trying to sell her old car
A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

MARK FIORE ANIMATION

http://www.markfiore.com/animation/core.html

HAPPY BELATED B-DAY POP -- how do we handle mom?

 

A FUNNY COURTESY OF DENNY HEDBERG

Sent: Friday, May 26, 2006 9:27 PM
Subject: Who Needs a Professional
Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor." "I'll sleep on it," said Jerry.

Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10." I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup! "Is that so! And How, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!

MARK FIORE ANIMATION

MARK FIORE TOON http://www.markfiore.com/animation/sale.html