LITTLE MARY

Sunday school
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

LIFE'S STRESSES EXPLAINED

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. The conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain-looking, some expensive, and some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee. After all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. "Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases, it's just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups...and then began eyeing each other's cups. "Now consider this: Life is the coffee, and the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life, and the type of cup we have does not define nor change the quality of life we live. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us." God brews the coffee, not the cups . . . enjoy your coffee.

SUNBURN

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He is taken to the hospital by ambulance and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister and noting the severe pain he is in, the doctor goes ahead and prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, What good will Viagra do for him now, Doctor?






It'll keep the sheets off his legs.

GOD, I NEED A LOAN

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:Dear GOD,Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!
Copyright © 1998-2001, JokesGalore.com.

GOD'S OFFER TO ADAM

Offer made to Adam
God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions,so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?"

Go ahead and laugh out loud. Studies show that laughter is good for your health. Dr. Michael Miller, a cardiologist at the University of Maryland Medical Center recommends intentionally finding ways to implement humor into your day such as, "reading something humorous or watching a funny video and try to find way to take ourselves less seriously."
Researchers have found that laughing heartily and laughing often may help prevent heart disease and protect against heart attack. We could all benefit from a little less stress and a lot more light heartedness. Can you remember the last time you let loose with a good belly laugh? Regardless of what the studies indicate, we all know how great it feels to have a good laugh. Dr. Miller also includes that, "The recommendation for a healthy heart may one day be -- exercise, eat right and laugh a few times a day."
Copyright 2006 Funniestjokes.org All Rights Reserved.

HAPPINESS IS LIKE ART; HARD TO DEFINE OR DESCRIBE, BUT WE KNOW IT WHEN WE FEEL IT

http://www.shns.com/shns/g_index2.cfm?action=detail&pk=HAPPINESS2-08-10-06

JOKES

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. Theceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serveyou, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, andsays: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Doesthis taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.""That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's NotUnusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy saysto Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don'tbelieve you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids werenothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but Icouldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. Heshouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the otherand > says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a firein the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can'thave your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and werestanding in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After aboutan hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of themgoes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a familyin Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture ofhimself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband thatshe wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate verylittle, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered frombad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different punsto his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make themlaugh. No pun in ten did.

YOUNG LOVE

Subject: Love...
Subject: Little Johnny Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely. Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you"What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..." Mr. Smith doesn't think the little shit is adorable anymore!

TATTOO OF THE YEAR--- creative, huh?

 

CLICK TO SEE AN 84 YEAR OLD WOMAN AND 25 YEAR OLD GUY DANCE TO COLDPLAY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKRZv6NGjdc

IS THAT A SADDLE HORN?

Subject: Saddle

Life may not be the party we had hoped for. But while we are here, We might as well dance............
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."